SEO and SEM: Just Say No!
With thousands of new ‘guidelines’ being released about how to SEO/SEM your site effectively, I thought I’d start the New Year with a little laugh as the How NOT to SEO/SEM your site and some funny ideas that people have thrown at me before. Remember – this is NOT serious so please don’t follow this if you want your site to rank well.
CONTENT: You can normally find a great bargain on Freelancer.com and Guru.com offering 1,000 articles for about £60 – BARGAIN! The best part is, at least 90% will be in English and a minimum of 4 lines will make sense to your readers.
LINKS: Your mate ‘Jim’ drops you an email guaranteeing you 1,000 links by tomorrow for £100. Think of all the money you’re saving by not paying a professional or doing it yourself. Sure … 999 will be deleted the day after, come from a traffic farm and appear on some obscure fetish site … but that doesn’t matter – buy, buy, buy!
SOCIAL MEDIA: Check out fiverr.com where you can buy 1,000 likes for just £5! All that time you’ll save and all those countless days researching similar interests … you can just have some bloke from Timbuktu like you on all 1,000 of his accounts, and the best part is you’ll never forget who he is, because his Facebook picture is the same on every account.
SOCIAL MEDIA II: Want new Twitter and Facebook friends? Add everyone you can, as fast as you can then make sure you tell them all about your site as quickly as you can. The more messages you can send to them, the more likely they are to notice you. After all – SPAM is probably just an acronym for ‘Sending People Amazing Messages,’ – and your site is obviously amazing – so it’s a perfect fit.
BLOG COMMENTING: Why waste time finding similar blogs when you can download black hat tools that do it all for you. The best part is that most of the links will be live in 2 days (albeit deleted after the 3rd), appear on a whole range of great international forums (Asian link farms included) and contain no more than 200 random characters, symbols and spaces that occur when you bypass CAPTCHA – wicked right!?
SUBMISSIONS: Why spend hours writing decent content and manually submitting articles and press releases, when you can pay companies in India to do it for a fraction of the price!? Double up on your efforts by paying those Freelancer.com and Guru.com writers to drop you some more content, then throw it all together with a £10 article submitter you can get off eBay and go nuts. What’s more – you can then Send People Amazing Messages on Facebook telling them all about your articles at least 500 times!
So there you have it – the very best SEO methods money can buy at a fraction of the price and effort*
*Warning - following these guidelines may results in your site being blocked, people laughing at you and several warnings from companies threatening you for spamming their sites.
Daniel Laming spent over two years working as an affiliate manager for GTech and Red Interactive, but recently decided to pursue a role as a full-time affiliate working on website BigGainsNoPains with a team of five, focusing on Online Casino and Online Bingo offers.